Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
she pinky promised me she was 18
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
