I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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