I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
