If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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