Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
