Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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