last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
