He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
