i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
