Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
