We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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