mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
