I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
