I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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