my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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