his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
