dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
