Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
