listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
