I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
