i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
