i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I can't put those talents on a resume
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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