Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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