how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
