I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
