If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
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