See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
