I never want to see another naked old woman again.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
