Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
