I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
