I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
