I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
