i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I touched a dick in church today
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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