Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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