I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
