Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
