i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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