yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
