Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
