I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
