i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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