I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
