i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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