i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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