I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
My balls are so social today.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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