I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
