So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
