I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
