Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
