i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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