Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
