They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
