I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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