So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
