Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
