Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
