I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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