Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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