Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You ruined the universe
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
