It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
