Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I enjoy the company of your penis
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
