Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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