mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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