do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
