just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
