I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
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