If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
